Relation Of Emotions With Building Positive And Lasting Relations

Relation Of Emotions With Building Positive And Lasting Relations

Published By: Dr. Anju Chawla
Published On: 25 Jul 2023 01:46:12 AM

Relation Of Emotions With Building Positive And Lasting Relations

While I was reading a book named Destructive Emotions by Daniel Goleman, I came across this- “It was professor Owen Flanagan, the James B. duke Professor of Philosophy at Duke University, who discovered scientific paper by Paul Ekman and his colleagues on expression of emotion in the human face- one of the first empirical studies in what has by now become a major filed of research. That paper fascinated him because it offered the first hard evidence that human emotion were universal.”

Human is the most complex creature in the world and he is created by God. We all are social beings as humans evolved as social animals- we need each other. Social interactions involve opportunities for being treated well or being treated badly. Understanding emotions is important to your relationship. Conflict occurs but the trick is to not get triggered.

Owen mentioned following as the emotions that come with the kind of creature we are- Anger, Contempt, Indignation, fear, happiness, Sadness, Love, friendship, Forgiveness, gratitude, regret, shame, guilt, compassion.

Let’s visualize this- You are anxious about a happening in your life and you share it with your Counterpart-

  1. Counterpart supports you and doesn’t get judgmental- This builds trust and calms you down. It also gives you strength to deal with the issue at hand.
  2. Think what all can happen if the Counterpart doesn’t lend you ear or criticizes you or starts ranting and raving? I am sure the picture is not a pleasant one, neither desirable. It is because the emotion of dejection, that feeling of being let down, left unsupportive surface up. And this can lead to your choosing to be less communicative about sharing what you are feeling, both now and in the future.

What do you suggest, is this a healthy dynamics in any relationship? Will it build or damage positivity in any relationship? Certainly damage.

Now, let’s turn the table and you take your Counterpart’s role, do you realize the words that you are using, and the tone that you are talking in?   Are you giving your Counterpart a breather to express? Do you have the sensibility for those words or phrases or context those if you bring in this conversation can trigger your Counterpart? Do you still use them, if you are aware? Can you gather the list of those words or phrases that can upset your Counterpart (PS please don’t start with yet another conflict of who is right or wrong, just focus on TRIGGERS). Give yourself time and make a list of such words and check if you use them often to ignite the conversation? If you do it consciously- check Do YOU even have the INTENTION to build positive relation with your Counterpart?

I know you just visited your intention, didn’t you?

So you just became aware of your own emotions with the intentions that you are carrying. This is the first input to your brain in gaining EI momentum. Now, if you are of the view that how to develop EI,when you already have certain habits and way of behaving- please don’t play the Bourn Vita punch “Brain develops until the age of five”!! A concept called NEUROPLASTICITY suggests that the brain continually changes as a result of our experiences- whether through fresh connections between neurons or through the generation of utterly new neurons-so there is a hope that one can keep training this most important muscle we  know by the name of brain.

As an EI resource person, I work with people who have intention and will to make emotions of self and others their strength so that they can win a conversation to build a lasting relationship.

Did I help you open a dialogue with yourself around your conversation? Further, we can certainly collaborate to transcend your relation at both personal and professional level.

Now, pay a little more attention to the upcoming part- Picture abhi baaki hai (Movie remains as yet).


Do you start your conversation with the *end of conversation in your mind or you just take anyway and land nowhere? Then feel unhappy with the emotion of sadness surmounting to grief and then leading to disappointment and rejection? (Used the Plutchik Wheel of Emotions here, as per my context).

*End like-For example- When I am talking to my counterpart- partner, peer, boss what is the end result that I want to achieve- His resignation, my Appraisal, Partner’s approval, My promotion, the project? What is it?

An article in Economic Times caught my attention where Rekha M Menon, Chairman & Sr. MD at Accenture, India emphasized the need of building empathy and compassion at workplace so here is the validation for one to understand this skill and develop it as one’s competence.

Let me recapitulate the process discussed so far-


When was the last that you as a partner or friend spoke about what are your feelings in the moment and if you have any expectations from your partner? Or did you just expect your partner to understand you aka mindread you? How many times do you mindread your counterpart?A very  important tool to build positive relation at personal and professional front is to acknowledge and appreciate every pleasant emotion that other person is exhibiting to you.Here the emotional process starts with Situation-drawing your attention to a particular point in the event- manifesting pleasant or unpleasant emotions. We have so much focus on the self- self worth and self esteem –but much less of a tradition of trying to harmonize oneself internally. And all this draws our attention back to the stimulus that didn’t work in my favor and hence the message comes out that leads to a crossed stroke. Now, since you are aware of the emotional process,and the vocabulary you are using,so can you draft an empathetic message to build the relation and all positivity around it?

A big question- Is positive relation at your workplace or personal life your goal or is It just a desire, is an apology in your list for your people with whom you need to build positivity?

The three poisons for being unable to maintain or develop positivity in relationship are-





Conflicts trigger our deepest emotions.Have you tried to change your conversation when you sensed a conflict? Did you criticize in public and praised in private? Was it what you would want and feel glad about?

NO… then why do you follow this habit?

Train your brain, reason is a chariot driver with two wild horses, emotions and temperament,  that are always trying to get out of control.

Let’s train your brain….

There are three parts to emotions-

  1. A subjective component –how you experience the emotion
  2. A physiological component- How you behave in response to the emotion
  3. An expressive component- How you express your emotion

Healthy relationship are build and nurtured on love, faith, respect- and all these are emotion-pleasant one!


About the Author

Dr.Anju Chawla is a passionate EI practitioner and is on a journey to enable people use their emotions to run their lives and not ruin it.

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